People-Pleasing and the Later-in-Life Lesbian: Why We Do It—and How to Stop

If you’re a woman who came out later in life, chances are you’ve had a long relationship with people-pleasing. You’re not alone.

For many of us, the habit started early. We were taught to be nice. To be agreeable. To not rock the boat. Add in the internal conflict of hiding (or not even knowing) your sexuality, and suddenly people-pleasing becomes more than a habit—it becomes a way of surviving. Staying quiet, avoiding conflict, keeping others comfortable… it all helped us “belong,” even if it meant abandoning ourselves in the process.

But here’s the truth: you don’t need to earn love or acceptance by shrinking yourself.

One of the most powerful tools to start breaking the people-pleasing cycle? Pause before you respond.

That’s it. Just a pause.

When someone asks something of you, don’t rush to answer. Don’t fill the silence with a “sure,” “of course,” or “no problem.” Take a breath. Check in with your body.

Ask yourself:
Do I actually want to do this?
Or am I afraid of what will happen if I say no?

That one-second pause puts the power back in your hands. Over time, it builds trust with yourself. And self-trust is everything when you’re learning to live authentically—especially after years of putting everyone else’s comfort first.

You’re allowed to take up space. To have preferences. To say no.
And the people meant for you won’t disappear when you stop people-pleasing—they’ll finally see the real you.

 
Want help unlearning people-pleasing patterns in your own life? Come hang with us in Club LILLES—where we’re all about growth, community, and learning to own our truth unapologetically.